Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Man seeks Woman

Julius was early. He sat at the table in the corner and ordered a drink. This was his first internet date and he was feeling rather anxious. "Cara"(if that was her real name) suggested "The Blue Dolphin". It was quiet enough for conversation but lively enough to melt into the crowd.

Julius wasn't worried so much about how he would come across, but about being stuck with someone he didn't like for the whole evening. So, as a precaution, he timed his cell phone to beep at 30 minutes after she planned to arrive. This 'text message' would either be ignored (she was OK) or require urgent attention (she was a bore).

When she arrived, he recognized Cara immediately from her picture on the dating site. Instinctively, he stood up and waved. However, realizing this was probably a telltale sign of a first timer, he quickly sat down again. CRUNCH! He had sat on his cell phone which he had carefully put in the pocket of his coat draped over the back of his seat. Of course, the phone must now be broken, as he felt something sharp pierce his left buttock.

He was so stunned by the pain that he didn't notice Cara already standing over him at the table.

"Hello,... Julius? --- I'm Cara"

Julius looked up with tears in his eyes.

"Hmmooooh Mcaaarraaahh - ayemmm Joohooliussss, nice toooohh meeeetyahhioooyyyou"

"Excuse me?"

He had to regain composure before she thought she was about to date someone with cerebral palsy.

Julius slowly stood up with a forced smile and extended his clammy hand.

"I --- I'm sorry. Ha! Ha! I'm Julius, nice to meet you."

That 'Ha! Ha!' sounded more like the death throes of a wood planer than a laugh.

They shook hands and she took her seat. Julius froze.

He became wide-eyed at the thought of putting weight on his backside again, so he resigned to telling the truth knowing the evening was ruined anyway. Cara took the news well and was quite sympathetic.

"Oh my God! You poor thing! Let me have a look."

"What? No, it's alright. I apologize for ... Look, I'd better get home ..."

"No, please. Don't be silly." She was beaming now. "You know, I'm a nurse."


"That's right. Let's just quickly pop into the toilet. Just quickly. And I'll see what I can do just to make sure you're alright."

Julius craned his neck towards where the toilets were.

"Toilets?" She was going to see his ass.

Before he could react, she was holding his arm, walking him to the toilets.

One of the waiters who noticed something odd asked them if everything was fine.

"Please, are the toilets through here? This man may have been injured," Cara trumpeted.

"Yes. Yes, of course, through the door on the right"

The waiter automatically fell in behind. "Where has he been injured? Shall I call an ambulance? Is there anything I can do?"

"Have you got a first aid kit?"

"Yes, we do. I'll get it." He was going to see his ass too.

"We'll go into the ladies. It's all cubicles in there!" she laughed.

"Oooh," she said, crouching behind him staring at the bright red spot on his pants.

"Ouch," he said as she began poking into the puncture hole in the cloth.

"Look, I'll have to see if there is any plastic in the wound. Could give you a nasty infection. Drop your slacks!"

He wanted then and there to take control and put an end to the examination when the waiter thundered in with a first aid kit.

"Good, thanks. Now I can clean it up for you as well."

Julius gritted his teeth and thought, "oh well, I can't physically clean it up by myself ..."

He slowly turned and saw that the waiter was accompanied by a beefy kitchen hand with rubber wash gloves on. He panicked.

"Look, I don't think ... Please, don't bother, I'm sure it's not ..."

"Loosen your belt, I'll do it for you"

His left cheek was exposed. He heard the door swing again. This time it was the head chef followed by some of his assistants asking if they could help.

He must have had an audience of least five or six examining his ass.

Cara then turned to her audience and began to lecture them on how they should examine a wound for any foreign bodies. Then she got each one of them to try.

"This will come in handy should you have any cuts with loose or breakable implements in the kitchen. See, press the sides like this. No, no, no. Take your gloves off first."

Suddenly the door swung open again. It was another waiter holding his coat.

"I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but your coat was beeping so much it began to annoy the other diners."

"The phone still works!" he thought.

He reluctantly chanced another look behind. Through the toilet door he saw a small crowd of people craning their necks to get a better look.

Julius had only just met Cara and already he had five people - both sexes - touching his butt. Complete with an audience.

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